


i'll spend my days so close to you

by dykeacademia



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, ling is a dumb bitch 2020, theyre both idiots and I love them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:06:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26760367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dykeacademia/pseuds/dykeacademia
Summary: it was strange, to be pouring his heart out like this, to tell his entire life story, but it was electric, too. once he started, he didn't think he could stop. he didn't want to. he wanted ed to know this, all of these things, the tiny scratches and scars and broken bones that made up ling yao.
Relationships: Edward Elric/Ling Yao
Comments: 10
Kudos: 56





	i'll spend my days so close to you

**Author's Note:**

> i'm on an edling fic-writing spree, so here you go! direct any complaints or rants to @nbjirou on tumblr :")
> 
> title from "fair" by the amazing devil.

today was a hard day.

it started with the weather. a heavy storm had moved into central, and the rainwater barraged the window panes of their small apartment. ling loved the rain, how it felt like the city was washed clean afterwards, the way the fresh scent of petrichor would fill his veins like liquid gold, bright and lovely. but ed hated it. the way the sky shattered and split, the dark, imposing clouds. how the rain always made his joints ache. 

ed promised him it was normal, that his body was just a little bit more torn and tattered than it needed to be. that this was how everything worked, for him. ling wasn't entirely convinced, and ed’s insistence on independence made it all the more painful for him. but that's what love was, wasn’t it? devoting your life to someone, staying with them when they couldn't do anything for you, caring about them when it was no longer about keeping score. at least, that's what he hoped love was. he wasn't quite sure anymore.

neither of them slept well that night. ed tossed and turned, mumbling and muttering in his sleep, half-chewed scraps of words that he barely managed to spit out. ling spent the night awake, staring at the stars through the glass. some nights were like that, when he was too on edge to sleep. old habits died hard, and ling had always been determined not to die.

he’d gotten out of bed first, made coffee, dragged a brush through his hair. it had lost its shine lately. he'd never been as good at doing hair as lan fan was. he missed her. but she was gone now, taking care of mei, the new empress. he loved them both, was so happy for them. but their absence remained, digging a new hole next to the space that fu and greed had once occupied. ling was just empty spaces, now. a husk of a boy, a shadow of a man. something less than human. just dark hair and sharp teeth and skin you could punch through like paper.

they drank the coffee in silence.

with al traveling, and ed without his alchemy, life had changed. he still had a significant amount of money from his time as a state alchemist, and roy might've pulled some strings to get ed a very cheap, very nice apartment. but after living through the promised day, things like school and work didn't feel so consequential. 

ling was supposed to go back to xing, to be a political advisor for mei, but he'd pushed it and protested until he could delay as much as he needed. he'd come in a week, a month, maybe three. it had been six months since the world imploded, and they still hadn't reached anything close to normal. but they were okay. and that's what mattered.

ling still didn't know how to cook. that was a kink they were still working out. but his boyfriend didn't seem to be as gifted with tact as he was with other skills.

“you can't seriously call this dinner,” ed complained, pushing food around on his plate like a sulking toddler. “it's burnt scrambled eggs with hot sauce and… is that broccoli?”

“yup!” ling chirped, decently proud of the meal he'd cobbled together. it was the first time he hadn't injured himself while cooking, which was a massive achievement in his book. 

ed rolled his eyes. “i appreciate the effort, but no thanks.” pushing his plate forward and standing up, he added, “i'm not even that hungry.”

“hey, no need to be a dick,” ling said breezily, keeping his tone carefully still. ed was always more antagonistic on bad pain days. it was understandable, and he always apologized profusely after the fact, but that didn't make it any easier to deal with. “we might have some leftovers in the fridge.”

ed had laid down on the thick carpet near the table. for reasons ling couldn't quite understand, his boyfriend loved sleeping on non-bed surfaces. this rug was one such place. “ling, really, i'm fine. i'll eat something tomorrow.”

with a long-suffering sigh, ling walked over to lay next to ed. “can you actually talk about your feelings, instead of being so…”, ling struggled for a word, “antagonistic?”

“hey,” ed complained, with no real bite to his words, “i'm not antagonistic. granny says i'm just feisty. but i am sorry about being a dick. it's not fair for me to take everything out on you,” he added quietly.

“no, it's not,” ling said gently, laying his hand over ed’s, “but thank you for apologizing.”

they sat in silence for a bit, looking up at the skylight and watching the stars glow. after a moment, ed broke the stillness. “this is a weird request but… i really don't wanna think about myself right now. kinda stuck in my own head, you know? can you talk about yourself or like... something shitty, so i can focus on that instead?”

ling raised an eyebrow.

“forget i said anything,” ed immediately backtracked, “that was stupid, i'm—”

ling squeezed his hand softly. “idiot. that’s not stupid. strange, yes. but not stupid.” he sighed for a moment, thinking. “unlike you, i don't have my fair share of traumatic experiences, but i can talk about my childhood? it's quite different than yours, for sure.”

“yeah, sounds good to me.”

ling took a breath, trying to find a starting place. he was never too good at talking about himself to begin with. there wasn't anything interesting to say, no fun stories or dramatic vignettes. his life was a dusty haze, dark and cold, but uneventful and uninteresting. but that’s what ed wanted, right? something boring, something simple, to distract him from his own thoughts. (and ling knew this feeling very well.)

“well, it wasn’t anything spectacular, i can tell you that. you know, of course, that the emperor has fifty different children, each born of a different clan, yes?”

ed nodded, his eyes calm and focused and ling as he spoke.

“i was the twelfth child to be born, which put me in a much brighter spotlight than most. mei, for instance, lived much differently than i did. we were much more well-off than most clans, and we had more favor of the emperor, but i was also in more danger than most.”

“the assassination attempt, right?” ed chimed in.

“attempts,” ling corrected, “but yes.”

it was strange, to be pouring his heart out like this, to tell his entire life story, but it was electric, too. once he started, he didn't think he could stop. he didn't want to. he wanted ed to know this, all of these things, the tiny scratches and scars and broken bones that made up ling yao. 

“the first happened when i was just born. the nursemaid happened to be one of the eldest daughters, disguised, obviously having done something awful to the actual nursemaid. she snatched me as soon as i was born, ran down the halls of the palace, and tried to throw me off a balcony. she was caught, of course, and i don't remember a thing, but it was a good start to a life of near-misses.”

he didn't look over to see ed’s face. he didn't think he could stomach it.

“that was the most dramatic one, i believe? the rest all… blur together. when i was three, i was suffocated. at four, almost drowned. i was five when they tried poison, and then again at six and seven. by eight, they took off the kiddie gloves. i was electrocuted at least twice, poisoned again, and stabbed at least five times. i was kidnapped twice, and starved, and beaten, and at least that one was interesting. at thirteen, they broke both my legs and half of my ribs and thought that would keep me from escaping. should've broken my arms, too, huh?” ling joked, trying to lighten the mood. 

the room was silent. he turned to face ed.

his boyfriend was sitting up, ramrod straight, his eyes hard and angry. ed was shaking, ling realized. did he say too much? did he do something wrong? did ed not want to listen to him any longer? something acidic rose in his stomach, panic and pestilence.

“i apologize,” ling added hurriedly, “was it something i said?” he shouldn't have started talking. he always made things worse when he tried to help. he should’ve just left well enough alone. he never knew what to say. but the anxious charge in the air snapped him back to the present, waiting for his boyfriend’s response.

“what the fuck, ling?” ed’s voice wavered, something sharp and brittle all at once. he sounded like he was going to cry. his eyes were bright and his cheeks were red, and god, ed was going to cry. 

“we can change the subject if you want?” ling offered, an empty platitude that did nothing to diffuse the situation.

“you lived through all of that, and you're worried about my feelings?” ed asked incredulously, something catching in his voice.

ling shrugged, “i mean, it really wasn't that bad. i'm still here, aren't i?”

ed's voice was tinged with a harsh kind of humor. “oh my god, i can’t believe this. you were almost murdered twenty times, and you don't think this is something traumatic? you don't think this has affected you?”

“i'm not stupid, edward,” ling said coldly, “but no, i don't. just because something was dangerous or scary doesn't mean it's traumatic.”

“you always sleep closest to the wall,” ed shot back harshly, his words thick and dripping with… some emotion, ling wasn't quite sure which.

“this is relevant, how?”

“you always sleep closest to the wall, because it's one less side for you to be attacked from. you always have a weapon on you, at least, if not more. even when you sleep. you can't get through the night without waking up, and some nights you just don't sleep at all. i can hear you crying out when you have nightmares, every time. whenever there's a loud noise, i can see you flinch, ling. like it's not a plate that shattered, it's someone trying to hurt you. i know how you hate water, the way that storms scare you. when you change, i can see the way you freeze when you see yourself in the mirror. like you don't recognize yourself anymore.”

ling couldn't breathe. he felt like ed was tearing him apart from the inside.

“and you know what, you idiotic lump of limestone? that's okay. it's okay to have nightmares, it's okay to be scared, it's okay to have flashbacks, and fuck, it's okay to cry. you're not the emperor, you're not a prince, you're ling. you're dumb and dramatic and stupid and it's okay. it's okay to not be okay all the time.”

“fuck you,” ling muttered angrily, roughly wiping his eyes. when had he started crying? “shut up.”

ed scooted closer to him, wrapping an arm around ling. it was light and gentle and it was so, so new. he'd never really been comforted like this before. ling made a habit of not crying, and if he did, fu and lan fan were the only ones to really know. and they weren't exactly the cuddly type. but this was ed, and he was different. he rubbed ling’s back gently, his rough palm moving in rhythmic circles. it was strangely calming.

ling made a noise, some twisted crossbreed of a sniffle, a cough, and a laugh. “you're right and i hate it and also shut up just let me pretend—”, a soft sob ripped through his throat, “pretend that it's fine. i don’t want to deal with what happens when things aren't fine.” 

he leaned his head on edward’s shoulder, just letting all the tension and stress melt out of his skin. ed tightened his arm around ling, the harsh pressure strangely comforting. it was the safest he’d ever felt. he never wanted for ed to let go.

“you're such a dumbass,” ed teased gently, running his other hand through ling’s loose hair, “but i love you anyway.”

the words hit him like a car. 

“i love you too,” he mumbled, but he was secretly ecstatic and his heart was beating about a mile a minute, “now fuck off and we’ll talk about this later.”

“you're damn right we will,” ed said firmly, “but for now, bed?”

“bed,” ling agreed, and he and ed made their way to their room, still gently wrapped in each others’ arms.

he knew ed was right, that this was more than he wanted to admit. he knew this wasn't over. but the soft embrace of his lover’s arms made everything feel like it would all be okay, even if for just a moment. he quite liked it.


End file.
